Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Funny Things Your Stepkids Say

This past weekend, my stepson was full of zingers and one-liners. The funniest part is, that at six years-old, he doesn't even know he's basically delivering what I consider stand-up, or that he's providing me with ample material with which to embarrass him in front of countless future girlfriends to come.

1. First, his insightful commentary on Ritz Crackers. We were at the grocery store, and he spotted a box of "limited edition" snowflake-shaped Ritz. He was intrigued, yet baffled as he reached for the box. "Hey, J," he said to me,"I wonder if these still taste like Ritz? Because, you know, if Ritz doesn't taste like Ritz, then Ritz isn't really Ritz." True dat. A friend pointed out to me that she once had mock apple pie made entirely from Ritz. Can you imagine how this would blow his mind?

2. He exclaimed that my treasured "Elvis' Christmas at Graceland Holiday Village," was the "best Christmas decoration ever." I asked, "Do you know what that is? You know that singer I like--Elvis? Well, this is what his house looks like at Christmas." Stepson's excited answer: "What?! I didn't know Elvis was only one-inch tall!"

3. I like to be as sassy, fit, and trim as a stepmom can be. Once in a while (okay, once in a blue moon), I'll done some cute workout outfit and attempt to exercise. The other day I had no idea that my stepson was watching as I timidly tried the warm-up for Carmen Electra's "Cardio-Striptease." Trying my best to shake my hips and flip my hair seductively, I hear, "Hey! What are you doing? You look like a chicken!" So much for sexy. Next time, I'm locking the door to be alone with Carmen.

4. My stepson is also a picky eater, as most six year-olds are, so we're constantly trying new foods with the hope that some of them will take. If he doesn't like something, he'll immediately wrinkle his nose and say, "I'm sorry, but this just doesn't agree with me." If I make the mistake of saying, "Well, you liked it last time I served it to you," he'll zing back with, "You know, J, taste buds can change." One dish that worked wonders: Hamburger Helper. Who knew? In fact, he liked it so much that he said he wished his mouth was bigger because it was the best meal he'd ever had.

5. Finally, a new thing I just learned tonight. Stepson said, "You can't know everything. No one knows everything. It's not possible to know everything, because if you did know everything, you'd pretty much pop." The rhythm. The cadence. A new song? And now, "You'd Pretty Much Pop" by MDH.

As many stepmoms have said, having a sense of humor and being able to laugh at yourself makes this weird experience much easier. Little did I know how humorous it would really be or how much easier when you can laugh not just at yourself, but at your stepson, too. (Laugh at him in a good way, of course!)


Life of a Stepmama said...

I have a 2 1/2 yr old stepson and some of the stuff he says cracks me up. I am totally saving it for future blog material as well as for future girlfriend embarrassment! HA
Just found your blog, really enjoying it!

The Amburgular said...

Hahaha! My stepson is a little goof too, yesterday DH mentioned that he was acting weird, he replied with "I like being weird Dad, you should try it sometime"

(where is the rolls eyes icon?)